Of Cupids and Coupons and Valentines…

Valentines’ Day is upon us….

Mushy-mush. Hearts and flowers. Chocolates and diamonds.

It makes every woman yearn for her “Prince-on-a-White Horse.” But the gals can’t find him. You see…Prince Charming rode into the sunset, leaving behind his dirty socks and underwear. And he left the toilet seat up too. But that doesn’t stop all the gals from longing for their Fairy Tale Prince.

Love-is-in-the-Air! Cupids wink at us from every store window. Sappy love songs float on the breeze.

Single people feel downright lonesome this time of year. Especially newly-divorced gals like me….

I could easily get depressed, but my friend, Holly, doesn’t let me dwell on such things. She’s single, too, you see. She was divorced by the Prince-of-all-Narcissists. (He left his dirty underwear in too many places…But does Holly care? Hardly. She got over him long ago.)

Holly’s feeling giddy, today—worse than usual. She drives me around in her little Ford Ranger, looking for somebody to harass. It doesn’t matter if it’s Valentines’ Day or Christmas Eve, Holly has to pester people—especially the homeless folks.

So here we are—sitting at a stoplight when Holly sees her first victims—a bedraggled couple pushing an old shopping-cart across the street. Poor things. They have no idea what’s about to befall them.

Holly starts honking at them and waving. Her gestures only produce bewilderment—both in the homeless couple, and in the drivers around us. People stare.

I want to crawl under the seat. I never get used to this kind of thing.

Holly sticks her head out the window and shouts: “I want to give you something!” She flaps Coupons at them. Coupons for a free Big Mac, and an iced coffee from the Coffee Shoppe..

The homeless couple moves quickly away from us, but Holly soon cuts off their escape. She pulls up directly in front of them. “Here!” she says, shoving the coupon at them. “Take this and enjoy it!”

Then she waves airily and drives off.

I slump in my seat, grateful to have survived without accident or traffic ticket… but it’s not over. Not by a long shot.

Suddenly, Holly sees a homeless man rolling down the sidewalk in a wheelchair. She brakes hard and pulls over, nearly throwing my neck out of whack. “Go!” Holly says to me. “Take this Coupon to him right now or I’ll kill ya! Hurry before he gets away!”

She gives me a push out the door. “Go…go…go!”

I run after the man, the heels of my shoes echoing like gunshot. He sees me coming and rolls faster.

The man disappears through the doorway of a building. I follow hot on his trail, catching him at last—shoving the Coupon at him in my best Holly-like manner. “Here!” I say. “Take this! It’s from Holly! She’s loony, but she has a good heart.”

I turn and hurry back to the truck.

Holly nods approvingly. “You’re learning…!” she says. “Now, I’ll take you to the Coffee Shoppe and get you an Iced-Coffee. You’ll love it.”

Loony or not, Holly keeps her word. She gets me one of those high-falutin’, White-Mocha-Frappuccino thing-ma-jigs.

Soon she’s sorry, though. Very sorry. It does strange things to me…all that sugar and caffeine. I start to giggle and trip over curbs. Falling into potholes. I nearly wet myself, laughing.

People stare.

Holly’s face is flushed by now. It’s her turn to be embarrassed. She sighs. “Remind me to never get you a Frappuccino, again!”

I hoot and clutch my bladder. “Where is the restroom?”

She hurries me into a ladies’ room at WinCo. “Listen, Girlfriend!” she says. “You’re going home to sleep that one off. I don’t want to be seen with you in public! You’re embarrassing the socks off of me.”

“Right-o!” I say with a flurry, and a flush of the toilet. “And the feeling’s mutual!”

So…that’s how it is, folks. What a merry time we had, in a strange sort of way. We weren’t exactly Cupids-with-Coupons, but we were close.

We didn’t need “Valentines” to have fun. Didn’t need men. Chocolates. Flowers. Or diamonds. We didn’t need anything from Prince-Narcissist, with all his dirty-socks, and-raised-toilet-seats.

We’re happy to chase down homeless folks and cavort about, falling into potholes. The simple joys of life, you see.

You’ve got to try it yourself.

And try one of those high-falutin,’ White-Mocha-Frappuccino thing-ma-jigs , too. But don’t drink it and drive!

And if you ever see Holly coming down the road in a Ford Ranger, flapping her Coupons ….

Just get out of her way, folks. Get outta her way.


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