April Foolishness

Springtime has a strange effect on us.

Folks act crazier than usual. Kids run wild. Men are strange. Housewives turn loopy.

Like me.

All by myself, yesterday, I went to a pond and played in the water like a kid. I caught frogs in the sunshine. Built dams in the stream. Threw rocks. But then a frog got squished and died.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, my Cell phone slipped out of my brassiere and went plunk into the pond water. I snatched up the Cell fast, but not fast enough. It went to beeping and squeaking. Turning off and on… I’ve never seen a cell phone carry on like that. It’s worse than a dying frog.

In despair, I watched it struggle. Then Celly died right there in my hand…Just like the frog. I was beside myself. Still am.

I haven’t told my husband yet. You can’t tell a man those kinds of things…that his wife plays in pond water. Drops cell-phones from her brassiere. Kills frogs. It’s too much….just too much for any husband.

Michael’s already struggling. He suspects we have serious marital problems, I’m sure. The other day, I called him at work. I’d been working hard in the garden, and I was fuming. “I need you to bring me home some beer!”

“Beer!…What?!”

“Yes, beer!” I said. “I’m throwing a party.”

Michael sounded cautious. “Darling. You know we don’t drink beer.”

“No—but the garden slugs do!” I said. “I’ll booze ‘em up and they’ll drown in the stuff. It’s an old home-remedy, you know.”

“Oh…right!” He sighed. “Ok, honey. I’ll pick you up some beer, if that’s what you want.”

Poor thing. He’s becoming more and more leery of my behavior in general. Springtime only makes matters worse.

Take last week, for example. It was a lovely spring morning and I was eager to resume the transplanting I’d started the day before…My husband had other ideas.

“Darling,” Michael said, “You know that big black masonry tub sitting near the potted trees? I need you to fill it with water and—”

I caught my breath. “Oh no!” I stared at him horrified, then burst into tears.

“What on earth?” He reached for me, but I only cried harder.

“Oh Michael! I didn’t know that big black pot was your masonry tub! You mix cement in it?”

“Yes…!” He groaned. “Aw honey! You didn’t put drain holes in my $100 masonry tub!”

“S-s-so sorry…! But the spruce tree needed a new pot!”

Poor Michael. I’m always ruining his stuff. Running over things in the driveway…Spilling and dropping and losing stuff…

Last month, though, I experienced a new low.

There I was in my car—parked on the side of the road, searching frantically–while my husband’s voice talked to me from far below.  He was cool and collected, as usual.  “Stay calm, dear….” he said.

“I’m trying.…!” I said.  “If I can just get my hand down there and grab you—Ow!”

It wasn’t working. I could hear him slipping…Sliding even further….down…down. “Oh, what can I do?” I said with rising hysteria. “I can’t even see you any more…and here I am, parked on the side of the road. Cars are coming around the curve and we’re going to get hit… But don’t panic, darling. I’ll get you out!”

“I’m not panicking,” said the tiny voice on the speaker phone, “but it sounds like you are. Just calm down—”

“Oh no! You’re disappearing! Your voice is getting smaller and smaller. What if I can’t get you out?”

“I’ll be all right,” he said.

“Are you sure? You’re not panicking?”

“No.”

“Well…I know you’re not panicking for yourself….but what about for me?  I could get hit by cars—and you don’t even care?   That shows that we have serious problems in our marriage, I’m sure!”

Problems, indeed.  I don’t know how it can get much worse…I really don’t.

But I reckon it could, folks.  I reckon it could.

Springtime has just begun…!

7 thoughts on “April Foolishness

  1. I would like to order your book. Can you mail it to me, and I will send you a ck out today. Can you send me an add? ,and who do I make the ck. out to?How many books do you have out? I never knew this! You are so talented sis!Thank God!

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    • How sweet you are! I don’t have a book out, Sis. I’ve been meaning to compile all my stories…but have never gotten around to it.

      Your words inspire me, though. Maybe I’ll try to get the stories compiled into a book. It’s not easy finding a publisher nowadays, but I suppose I could get it published myself…Or maybe look into having Word Aflame Press publish it.

      I’ve helped several other writers edit their work and get it published as books. But I’ve only been published as a columnist—even though some of it has gone around the world… Pentecostal Herald etc. and other magazines.

      Anyway. Thanks so much for your kind comments. You’re an inspiration, Sis!

      Love,
      Vic

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    • You are a dear, Sis. Judith. Thanks for your encouraging words! (What I need you to do, now, is to post these wonderful comments on my FaceBook page where people can actually see them. 😉 More people read my FB page than this website, I’m sure!…but everyone refuses to comment there. Some kind of stigma, or something! Lol.)

      Anyhow, you have lifted my spirits many times with your kind words, and I appreciate you so much!

      Love,
      Vic

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  2. Oh, Vicki – it was so much fun reading this one, and several others you wrote. You are an excellent writer! This one for some reason reminded me of some of our stories. The “Whispering Aspen Hideout” the “Arrio Arroyo” or whatever we called the museum in the playhouse, and all of our adventures we had. So many memories up there in the canyon, huh?! I miss you, my friend! We have to get together soon, ok?
    love you still! In Christ,
    Margie

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    • Ah yes, Margie….! Our 6th grade adventures are still alive and well (in the back of our minds!)

      I’m glad that this story stirred up old memories. I’d forgotten about “Arrio Arroyo” til you mentioned it. But I do remember some “Nancy Drew Adventures”. Oh—by the way, you’ll have to read the article called “Off to the Land of Upside Down”. My daughter Mystia and I had a few Nancy Drew Adventures ourselves, and I wrote about it.

      I’m glad we finally “found” each other again after all these years. It’s unbelievable that we could lose track of each other—considering all the technology that we have today!

      Well, I’ve got to run! Thanks so much for writing. Be sure to keep in touch on FaceBook etc, now that we’ve found each other again!

      Love,
      Vic

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